Funnnies

Admin
Admin

Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Posts: 150

Funnnies Apr 2, 2014 18:44:02 GMT -5 bibleboy likes this

Quote

Post by Admin on Apr 2, 2014 18:44:02 GMT -5

I will sing unto Yahweh as long as I live: I will sing praise to my God while I have any being

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you know what the Bible means?" The son replied, "I do know!" "Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?" "That's easy, Daddy." the young boy replied excitedly, "It stands
for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'

I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, Would that get me into heaven?"
"NO!" the children answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, the answer was, "NO!"
By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun! "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again.
Again, they all answered, "NO!"
I was just bursting with pride for them. "Well," I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD."

Last Edit: Apr 3, 2014 5:06:23 GMT -5 by Admin

Souls are made sweet not by taking the acid fluids out alone, but by putting something in—a great Love, a new Spirit—the Spirit of Yeshua HaMashiach.

Deleted Deleted Member Posts: 0	Funnnies Apr 3, 2014 9:53:26 GMT -5 Admin likes this Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by Deleted on Apr 3, 2014 9:53:26 GMT -5 ohhh that is too cute. Thanks for the giggles.

Admin
Admin

Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Posts: 150

Funnnies Apr 3, 2014 12:50:40 GMT -5 bibleboy likes this

Quote

Post by Admin on Apr 3, 2014 12:50:40 GMT -5

I will sing unto Yahweh as long as I live: I will sing praise to my God while I have any being

Jack was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was
standing at the door, as he always does, to shake hands.

The preacher grabbed Jack by the hand and pulled him aside. "You need to
join the Army of the Lord!" the preacher said to him.

Jack replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

"How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" the preacher
questioned.

Jack whispered back, "I'm in the Secret Service."

A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the
confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked.

"What did you take?" his priest asked.

"Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house, and houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake."

"This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a
far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?"

"No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber."

The 98 year old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying.

The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey
comfortable.

They gave her some warm milk to drink but she refused. Then one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

"Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you die."

She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said,
"Don't sell that cow."

Every Sunday Ol' Jeb would go to sleep half way through the sermon,
sometimes to the point of snoring. The Preacher decided to have some
fun with Jeb, so the following Sunday, he began his sermon as usual.
Soon he noticed Jeb was drifting off to sleep, so he began to talk
softly.
"Now friends", he said to the congregation, "I'm sure that each one
of you here is a God-fearing Christian, and wants to go to heaven", and
the congregation all nodded agreement. The Preacher continued softly
"Well, if there's anyone here that doesn't want to go to heaven, and
wants to go to Hell, then..." and the preacher takes a deep breath and
shouts "STAND UP!"
Well, Jeb is startled awake with the shouting and instantly jumps to
his feet!
The Preacher looks over his pulpit at Jed and asks "Jed, are you really
sure you want to be standing up?" Jeb looks around and replies, "Well,
Preacher, you're the only other one a-standin', but I'm with you all the
way!"

One Sunday afternoon, the Pastor's wife dropped into an easy chair
saying, "Boy! Am I ever tried."
Her husband looked over at her & said, "I had to conduct two special
services last night, three today, & give a total of five sermons. Why
are you so tired ?"
"Dearest," she replied, "I had to listen to all of them."

After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced he wished to meet
with the church board following the close of the service. However, the
first man to arrive was a total stranger.
"You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board,"
said the minister.
"I know," said the man, "but if there is anyone here more bored than
I am, I'd like to meet him!"

Every Sunday the pastor would observe Sam Campbell and his wife
Sara, holding hands. And they held hands all through the service.
It made him happy to see two such loving old folks.
One Sunday, greeting the congregation as they filed out the door,
the pastor said to Sam and Sara, "It sure does my heart good to see
two such loving people as you, Mr. and Mrs. Campbell. It's quite
an inspiration."
Sara looked up at him and grinned, saying, "That ain't love,
Pastor. It's the only way I can keep him from cracking his knuckles
during the service."

Souls are made sweet not by taking the acid fluids out alone, but by putting something in—a great Love, a new Spirit—the Spirit of Yeshua HaMashiach.

bibleboy
moderator

"God made man, man made religion. Which one got it wrong?"

Posts: 7

Funnnies Apr 3, 2014 18:35:11 GMT -5 Admin likes this

Quote

Post by bibleboy on Apr 3, 2014 18:35:11 GMT -5

A man decides to rob a house where the owners are away on vacation. After picking the lock, he enters and decides to start with the flat screen he saw first. Just as he starts to unhook it he hears behind him "Jesus is watching you". The man freezes for a second and whirls around with his flashlight, scanning the room, saying "Who said that?". Just as his light falls on a large parrot in the far side of the room the parrot says "My name is Moses. And I said 'Jesus is watching you' and he ain't happy with you right now" The bugler starts laughing out loud and says "What kind of idiot would name a parrot Moses?" The parrot looks at the man and says "The same kind who would name their rottweiler Jesus". GRRRRR.....

Last Edit: Apr 7, 2014 18:57:04 GMT -5 by bibleboy

"Father, May your name be kept holy. May your Kingdom come. Give us each day the food we need. Forgive us our sins, for we too forgive everyone who has wronged us. And do not lead us to hard testing.”

Admin
Admin

Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Posts: 150

Funnnies Apr 3, 2014 18:57:42 GMT -5 bibleboy likes this

Quote

Post by Admin on Apr 3, 2014 18:57:42 GMT -5

I will sing unto Yahweh as long as I live: I will sing praise to my God while I have any being

Little Johnny went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His mother decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts. She said, "Well Johnny, it isn't Christmas and we don't have the money to just go out and buy you anything you want. So why don't you write a letter to Jesus and pray for one instead." After his temper tantrum, his mother sent him to his room. He finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus.

Dear Jesus,

I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle.

Your Friend,
Little Johnny

Now, Little Johnny knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he was (a brat). So, he ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try.

Dear Jesus,
I've been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle.

Yours Truly,
Little Johnny

Well, Little Johnny knew this wasn't totally honest so he tore it up and tried again.

Dear Jesus,

I've thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a new bicycle?

Signed,
Little Johnny

Well, Little Johnny looked deep down in his heart, which by the way was what his mother was really wanting. He crumpled up the letter and threw it in the trash can and went running outside.

He aimlessly wandered about, depressed because of the way he treated his parents and really considering his actions. He finally found himself in front of a Catholic Church.

Little Johnny went inside and knelt down, looking around not knowing what he should really do. Little Johnny finally got up and began to walk out the door and was looking at all the statues. All of a sudden he grabbed a small one and ran out the door. He went home, hid it under his bed and wrote this letter.

Jesus,

I've broken most of the Ten Commandments, shot spit wads in school, tore up my sister's Barbie doll and lots more. I'm desperate. I've got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike.

Signed,
You know who

Last Edit: Apr 4, 2014 4:17:00 GMT -5 by Deleted

Souls are made sweet not by taking the acid fluids out alone, but by putting something in—a great Love, a new Spirit—the Spirit of Yeshua HaMashiach.

Deleted Deleted Member Posts: 0	Funnnies Apr 4, 2014 4:13:36 GMT -5 Admin likes this Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by Deleted on Apr 4, 2014 4:13:36 GMT -5 Hilarious!!!

Admin Admin Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Posts: 150	Funnnies Apr 4, 2014 7:38:17 GMT -5 Admin and bibleboy like this Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by Admin on Apr 4, 2014 7:38:17 GMT -5 I will sing unto Yahweh as long as I live: I will sing praise to my God while I have any being Admin,@yiska,bibleboy,arielmichal
	Souls are made sweet not by taking the acid fluids out alone, but by putting something in—a great Love, a new Spirit—the Spirit of Yeshua HaMashiach.

Admin
Admin

Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Posts: 150

Funnnies Apr 10, 2014 5:28:08 GMT -5

Quote

Post by Admin on Apr 10, 2014 5:28:08 GMT -5

I will sing unto Yahweh as long as I live: I will sing praise to my God while I have any being

If Noah had lived in the United States today, the story may have gone something like this:

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, In one year I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed.

But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark.

In a flash of lighting, God delivered the specifications for an Ark.

In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.

“Remember,” said the Lord, “you must complete the ARK and bring everything aboard in one year.”

Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping.

“Noah!” He shouted, “Where is the Ark?”

“Lord, please forgive me,” cried Noah. “I did my best, but there were big problems.”

First, I had to get a permit for construction, and your plans did not meet the building codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans.

Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a sprinkler system and approved floatation devices.

Then, my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

Then, I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl.

I finally convinced the US Forest Services that I really needed the wood to save the owls.

However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won’t let me take the 2 owls.

The carpenters formed a union and went on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.

When I started rounding up the other animals, an animal rights group sued me. They objected to me taking only two of each kind aboard. This suit is pending.

Meanwhile, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn’t take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the Universe.

Then, the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed flood plan. I sent them a globe.

Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking atheists aboard

The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I’m building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes.

I just got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a ‘recreational water craft.’

And finally ... the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the ARK, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it’s a religious event, and therefore unconstitutional.

I really don’t think I can finish the Ark for another five or six years.

Noah waited.

The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine, and the seas began to calm.

A rainbow arced across the sky.

Noah looked up hopefully.

“You mean you’re not going to destroy the earth, Lord?”

No, “He said sadly, I don’t have to. The government already has.”

Souls are made sweet not by taking the acid fluids out alone, but by putting something in—a great Love, a new Spirit—the Spirit of Yeshua HaMashiach.

Admin Admin Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Posts: 150	Funnnies Apr 10, 2014 5:39:15 GMT -5 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by Admin on Apr 10, 2014 5:39:15 GMT -5 I will sing unto Yahweh as long as I live: I will sing praise to my God while I have any being
	Last Edit: Apr 10, 2014 18:41:09 GMT -5 by Admin Souls are made sweet not by taking the acid fluids out alone, but by putting something in—a great Love, a new Spirit—the Spirit of Yeshua HaMashiach.

Deleted Deleted Member Posts: 0	Funnnies Apr 10, 2014 13:38:22 GMT -5 Admin likes this Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by Deleted on Apr 10, 2014 13:38:22 GMT -5 The love the Noah joke. love the end when it said YHWH said "No, He said sadly, I don’t have to. The government already has.”" Love it!

Admin
Admin

Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Posts: 150

Funnnies Apr 10, 2014 17:06:08 GMT -5

Quote

Post by Admin on Apr 10, 2014 17:06:08 GMT -5

I will sing unto Yahweh as long as I live: I will sing praise to my God while I have any being

It is exactly that mankind is doing, the only thing is Yahweh would not change his mind. This is his earth and he will definitely clean it up for his children. He will get rid of all the corruption.

Last Edit: Apr 10, 2014 17:07:22 GMT -5 by Admin

Souls are made sweet not by taking the acid fluids out alone, but by putting something in—a great Love, a new Spirit—the Spirit of Yeshua HaMashiach.

Admin Admin Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Posts: 150	Funnnies Apr 10, 2014 18:38:05 GMT -5 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by Admin on Apr 10, 2014 18:38:05 GMT -5 I will sing unto Yahweh as long as I live: I will sing praise to my God while I have any being [/url ]
	Last Edit: Apr 10, 2014 18:44:15 GMT -5 by Admin Souls are made sweet not by taking the acid fluids out alone, but by putting something in—a great Love, a new Spirit—the Spirit of Yeshua HaMashiach.

Deleted
Deleted Member

Posts: 0

Funnnies Apr 10, 2014 21:23:57 GMT -5 Admin likes this

Quote

Post by Deleted on Apr 10, 2014 21:23:57 GMT -5

Apr 10, 2014 17:06:08 GMT -5 Admin said:

I will sing unto Yahweh as long as I live: I will sing praise to my God while I have any being

It is exactly that mankind is doing, the only thing is Yahweh would not change his mind. This is his earth and he will definitely clean it up for his children. He will get rid of all the corruption.

Yes he will.. for this is HIS WILL!

Admin Admin Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Posts: 150	Funnnies Apr 10, 2014 22:08:35 GMT -5 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by Admin on Apr 10, 2014 22:08:35 GMT -5 I will sing unto Yahweh as long as I live: I will sing praise to my God while I have any being Amen sis!
	Souls are made sweet not by taking the acid fluids out alone, but by putting something in—a great Love, a new Spirit—the Spirit of Yeshua HaMashiach.